Saturday, March 27, 2010

Havana Nights and Scandalous Stories.

Ok, this is what you've all been waiting for! i've told these stories to a few of you, but i feel its time they become publicly known. Ps...if I have told these stories to you, and you notice that i leave certain things out, don't worry about it. And don't comment about it. lol.

The first night we were there, Tara and I had been in cuba for all of 4 hours, and we were wandering around our hotel, checking things out. We were out by the pool when we heard some music, we decided to follow the music and we found our 'Hotel Entertainment' It was a series of skits and dances. We pulled up a couple of chairs on the outskirts of the audience and began watching. As we watched we noticed something, each skit got progressively innappropriate, and invloved less and less clothing. Which sould've been a cue for us to leave, but we didn't as sketchy as it was, it never got really bad, and it was always reeeally funny. So time passed and a few of the entertainers come out from the side stage, and they are heading straight for us. Shoulda run. They asked if we would like to participate in the next skit. No. But apparently you don't say no to a Cuban. We told ourselves it couldn't be THAT bad. ...We were wrong. So we're hauled up on stage. The MC guy spoke 4 languages in rapid succession, and it was kind of hard to understand him, but the gist of what was going to happen was that their crew was going to act out a scene and then we were going to re-anact it one at a time, with the crew. Easy enough, i've done this in drama classes all my life. So the skit started with 'Maria' sweeping the floor. (Do-able) Her husband walks in the room and says "Woman, i'm going to work. And when I get home, we are going to make Chicki-Chicki" (Awkward) And then he proceeds to leave and Maria continues to sweep. The Pink Panther music starts up.(Uh-oh) And Maria's 'Lover' Sneaks in the back door(...) he yells 'MARIA!!' Maria turns, screams something in Spanish and then jumps him. ( They start 'making-out' and they stumble over to a 'bed' Maria gets on her lover and they have a sheet thrown over them, and they make(what i assume is) 'Chicki Chcki'...(This is where I would draw a line) (Notice I said 'would') Then her husband comes home, sees them in bed, shoots her, shoots her lover and then shoots himself. Which is pretty par for the course I guess.

This is all going on and every minute that passes, I think to the junk am I going to get out of this?! Then I know what?, When in Cuba...

So i'm up, all I have to do, is do it the same way as I saw it...I grab my broom, and I start sweeping, then my husband leaves for work and the pink panther music starts... then my lover calls my name, my brain screams NO, but my heart cried DO IT. I threw down my broom and practically tackled him, we started to fake make out and headed over to the bed. My brain again screamed NO and my heart was like H-NO. So we tried to push me onto the bed, and I was havin none of that. I slipped under his arm, kicked out his leg, pushed him face first onto the bed and pinned him there with my elbow. Then he starts making mmmm-noises. ew. Eventually my husband comes home and ends it all. Thank heavens. Overall, it was pretty good, the crowd seemed to enjoy it. Next up was Tara. She had to do it in slow-motion. I'm SO happy im not her, she did really good, it was hilarious. She threw in a bend-and-snap moment. Then there were two others, one girl had to do it asian style, and the last girl did it in a role-reversal style. At the end the crowd voted for who they liked the best, I think tara got fourth, apparently the bend and snap routine doesn't translate. The girl who did it role reversal style was third and it was quite the battle between myself and the asian style chick. Eventually she won, but I swear it was only because she was wearing a LITTLE black dress and bright green underwear... Which is fine by me, cause she won a bottle of rum. What would I do for a bottle of rum?

This next one I debated telling. But, well, here it is. Don't judge me. One night, We decided to go crash to boys' place. So we wen't in search of the bus. A few taxis stopped but we turned them away. It would cost us 5 pesos more to take a taxi. In retrospect, it would've been totally worth it. So we went walking, and we found the bus, it was parked apparently waiting to make its last run of the night. We hopped on and it started going, really slow. Like it was driving about how fast we were walking. Odd. So we are sittin up top at the back and we pass a couple of guys who are walking on the street, and they see us and start yelling "Hey, come party! Pretty ladies, come party with us!" We politely declined the offer to get raped. And they bus continued on, still at a Terri Fox-pace. And they walked after the bus, it was like a slow death. Why wouldn't the dirver speed up, why wouldn't these guys just go away? They kept yelling to us "Come on! Party! Come down here!" There was nothing I could do about it. I had this feeling like something horrible was about to happen. "Why don't YOU come up HERE?!?" It had happened. I just looked at her with my 'Really?...'-expression and I had avoided actually looking at them this whole time, but I felt the need to see what was about to unfold. They looked at each other and ran up to the bus. The bus driver stopped. I heard them get on the bus, and they made their way up top. I was sitting on the back bench right in the middle, and they were walking straight towards us, I slid over to far side of the bus. It was because I didn't want to have them on either side of me, I wanted to deal one on one... you know...if anything was gonna happen. Anyway, I guess they thought it was so they could sit between us. Bad decision on my part. One of many to come. Also moving over was a bad choice cause all of a sudden I was cornered. All I could see was his big black head and the street 12 feet below. Crap. So we started talking, as we talked I calmed down a bit. He was actually just a nice Cuban guy, he drove taxis. The bus hadn't sped up at all. I could tell this was going to be a LONG ride. So we continued talking, "So what do you think of Cuba?" "I like it, its beautiful!" "You're beautiful." ...Oh no. Insert quick subject change. "So do you know much Spanish?" I told him I did, a little, so we started playing the 'Do you know what *this word* means?' Game. We went through a few every day words, common phrases... "Hola" Hello. "Como Estas?" How are you? Then we got into more difficult words "Cuanto?" How much? "besos" ..Kiss... No, no,no. Again, change of subject. Our bus had moved about four blocks by now. Somebody shoot me. We kept talking, apparently his sister is in some kind of dental school. ...EVERYBODY is in some kind of dental school. Again, he starts hitting on me. Again, I am like NO. There really isn't anywhere for me to go at this point in time... so I start thinkin, you know...I've never kissed a black guy... I could do it, just to say that i've done it...NO, Alaya, you are sick. Stop it... He keeps flirting. I keep rejecting his advances. We kind of run out of things to talk about... kissing never hurt anyone... he mentioned that he needed to get off the bus pretty soon, and was a now or never, why not moment. So I kissed him. Shortly after I started kissing him, his buddy is like, we have to go! Then they both invited us to some dance club. "Yeah, we'll meet you there..." ...I turn to Tara, she gives me this look... I told her I kissed him. She said thats gross, I agreed and proceeded to tell her how gross. He smelled like rum, it was like kissing ...i don't even know, a half dog, half moose creature... The bus finally picked up speed. Its like the driver was waiting for me to do something stupid. Memorable. But stupid. I may have gotten some kind of herpes... I pretty much ate my chapstick afterwards... I should just stop talking...

On to Havana!! So we road tripped out to Havana, BEAUTIFUL city. If you are into that kind of thing. We rented this tiny little car. Cute eh?

On the way there Tara waved at everyone that would even look at her, cute little Tara-waves. At one point I say to Tara "That is not how you wave if you want some attention. I'll show you how to wave... Next car we pass." So we pass this blue little car,

and I give them a signature Alaya, 'come hither' wave. Curse my natural magnetism, they sped up to check us out, and then they saw Tara. Instantly they wanted her. We would play the speed up, slow down car flirting game, then they dropped back and disappeared for a while. About 10 minutes later they were back with a sign asking where we were going, Tara had her journal and a pen so she started writting notes back to them, we traded phone numbers and then they stuck up a sign that said "switch cars" Lol, we'd jump in a car with strange, mildly attractive, young Cuban boys... That would make a fun story though... Anyway, eventually they gave up. We got into cuba and we walked around this fortress, so cool.

It made me wish I knew a little more about Cuba's history.

Then we got onto this buggy and got a tour of the city

Pretty sweet, he took us to this restaraunt in the middle of the city, a little over priced, but awesome.

Plus, it had a sweet view. Food wasn't bad, entertainment was awesome. And the owner gave Tara and I each a white rose.

Then we went and had some fun on our own. Thats MY plan...its backwards...and from a year before I was born, but its MINE!
Sweet tree.

Then we walked along the wharf, and watched the sunset. So awesome!

And we found some old artillery. And this is probably one of my most favorite pics of all time.
Cuba was awesome. But I'm sure you are done with this, three posts in a row business.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Cuba Part 1-2 Generality Continued.

So, I was a beach bum. I've never been a beach bum. New experiences. I think it suited me. Other than the fact that I did not anticipate the saltiness of the ocean. Sick. I'll keep my glacier water thanks.

So this storm moves in. It 'rains' for a little bit, really the air just got a little more moist than it had been. But you know what storm means on the ocean? HUGE WAVES. You know what waves mean? BODY SURFING. This is what we were doing while you were sitting in church. Don't worry, God understands.
This was Christmas vacaction. Weird. Christmas trees and cuba don't mix. But it was awesome nonetheless.
These were the little taxis. So fun. Jarett and I took one, and I noticed the driver was kinda slowing down and speeding up, and weaving a little bit.. and she kept looking down, so I lean forward and she's sitting there texting. Oh Cuba.

Tara and I got gutsy and we climbed up to the hotel's roof, it was quite the amazing view. Then we were seen and had to make an escape. So beautiful.

So, im an elevator-creep. But thats why you love me. Right?
Or its because im a Cadillac Pimp.

Either way, this was just to give you the setting, I have stories. Good ones. Also, I need to tell you about Habana, so just you wait.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Cuba Part 1- Generality

So, last weekend I finally got all my pictures from Cuba organized! And i'm using this as an excuse to blog about something that occured before my blog existed. In all fairness, it was things like this that made me even consider blogging. On the other hand, it was things like this that made me wary of blogging... if you remember my pilot post, it was one of the reasons not to.

So anyway, the grand totall of all pics taken in cuba? 780. Yeah. Insane. Really though, we were there a week, and there were 5 of us... so really 22 pictures/day/person. Legit. (Don't worry, I filtered, im down to about 30)

This is how this happened. So, im up in Edmonton, hanging with Gusa, its tuesday. Dunnet calls her up and says "Hey, im going to cuba on Monday, come with." Gusa says "ok."

I look at her like shes crazy.

My bro, who is roomies with Dunnet calls me a short while later and is like, "Hey, 'm going to Cuba on Monday. Come with." And i'm like "" "Please?" He says. "I'll think about it."

Its totally absurd. Its Tuesday. I took yesterday and today off. You want me to take an entire week off work, spend a whole weeks' pay, run off to an island in the sun, in the middle of winter? You are nuts. Long story short, my spontaneous side kicked the crap out of my reasonable, sensible side. It took a fwe days though, so its Thursday, and we book a flight and a hotel, Gusa and leave Wednesday.
Me an Gusa. Veradero, CUBA.

This was the view from our hotel window. AWESOME!

This is my crew. Word. ...Im kind of a little creeper

So, my hair+humidity=disaster.

First order of business? Find a black lady to braid my hair into little tiny braids.

Easy enough, we were at the market, and it was def a thing that people just offer. Sweet!

Little did I know, they didn't do it in the market, they did it from their homes so I followed this lady back to her house. And it wasn't just a front room, it was down this sketchy hallway, into a tiny room with a chair, a bed and some random junk. This room, we've come to refer to as "The Rape Room."
Cause, im sure at other times of the day/night...thats what it was used for.

On another note- so many cool buildings!
I really wanted to go steal this horse and go riding on the beach

Snorkelling, one of my new favorite things!

So Good.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Exceeded Expectations.

Dear Internet,

Tonight was utter perfection. Brady and Neal had a moment. It was amazing. And I was there to witness it. Magical really...the reunion. Then Kelly and Trevor and Brady and I had a moment.

Ok, so probably there is only one person who will read that and get it. Still. Funny. Tonight was actually a reeeally fun time.

So a few days ago, Trev, Kelly and I were chilin at Bps, and it came up that we both had gift certificates to Ric's grill. I suggested we go on a double date, to the YSA Talent show and then to Ric's. And so it was done! Now all I needed was a date. This morning came, and I realized I still had yet to find a date, so I asked Brady. Or he was mutal...ok. So I changed my facebook status to this- "Alaya French is looking for a male, around her age, to whom she is not related, who likes free food, the pleasure of her company and happens to not be otherwise occupied after the talent show. If you feel that you meet this description, please inquire within. Thank-you." Yeah, cause im a geek like that. There was actually a really gtood response, aparently you say free food and boys come runnin. Or it was me they were after, and just needed the opportunity... Brady was the first to respond. Well actually a few people responded brfore he did, but brady was the first legitimate option. And so, I had a date.

Now we had decided beforehand that we were going to get dressed-up...semi-dressed-up? Kelly said she felt like wearing a skirt and heels and being sassy. I can respect that, so I totally got on board. Man. I looked hot. There is just something about wearing heels that makes you feel sexy. Mmmm.

So we went to the Talent Show. It was amazing. Far better than anticipated. Especially since I was not in it. In years past it has been kind of a let-down. The first year I was in YSA there were a few skits and weird talents, and mine/Abby's personal brand of comedy. The second year, I went solo on the comedy act, and I was the only non-musical act there was. In fact, they renamed the 'Talent Show' to the 'YSA Musical Show'...and Alaya. Or something like that. I quit after that; and for the next few years it was a mostly musical thing. Not this year. There were a few musical acts, but there was dancing, and poetry, and monologues, and impressions, and masterfully entertaining bits. Props to the glow in the dark stick figure ninjas and The Sound of Music boys. Overall, one of the best YSA shows i've seen. Immediately following the show Neal and Brady have this was a caring, touching, brotherly moment. Special.

So then we went for dinner. Classy. Ric's really is a nice place, made you feel ritzy...and a little pretentious.... There was this painting of a man, with a monocle and a martini, and he looked as if he would make a 'mnmahh' sound. We all made that sound for sometime... So, pretentious may have been my word of the night. Fun right? The food was good, the conversation was better. We covered just about everything... The stuffed potatos are stuffed with potato... and baby. Bacon makes everything better, possibly there was bacon in the stuffed potato, which was awesome, it would've been more awesome if the veggies had little bits of bacon in them, hybrid veggie-bacon food... We all had a moment whilst talking about stepping on sidewalk cracks, aw moment. ...Killing people with writing utensils. 'And an Hotel'. KFC. Swastikas. Kissing in the rain. Fire escapes and heels. Limbless pilates. Road trip. How Creme Brulee is a pretentious dessert...also I may or may not've indirectly called our waiter pretentious. I ordered the pretentious creme brulee. It was pretentious, I mean delicious. The evening was time really well spent. With people I really enjoy being around. Such a good night. Pretty much perfect. I had a hot date, good entertainment, great food. AWESOME. Loved it.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Every Post Ever

Seemingly innocent, everyday events. Introduction of characters. Witty remark. Re-enacted conversation. Reference to something random. Potentially embarassing situation. Sarcastic reaction. Delayed climax. Hilarious Statement. An overexaggeration. Shameful Confession. Explaination. Some sort of list then a punch-line. Moral of the blog. Advice in the form of a PS or a summary.

This is pretty much how every post I write goes. What inspired this?

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Kids I Hated in Elementary School

Becky and I do a fair amount of filing at work, and as such we come across unique names. Which sparks a conversation about what we will name our children; which is usually a fairly entertaining topic. The other day she asked me what I thought of the name "Roman" Immediately I thought of this kid in the first grade who was very possibly the grossest kid ever(at the time.) I told her that I didn't like the name for that reason, it reminded me of him. Then we got to talking about how its funny that one person can make or break a name for you. Then we got talking about all the names we disliked, most names I hate are people I knew, which is sad in a way; but at the same time, funny. THUS we decided to blog about it. See becky's blog too. Its a gooder.

So- Names I dislike

1- Roman. Though it may sound like a cool name, it has been tainted by a kid who belched on command. And im not talking little airy burps, they were full on disgusting something-probably-came-up-with-it noises. And he was just one of those kids that creeped you out. Eww. Though, I probably judged him unfairly, and he's probably a popular stud now... that memory haunts the name. Sorry Roman.

2- Jodie. Now I am friends with one or two jodies now; but the fact remains i's never name my child that. This I can trace back to a girl in my grade two class. |She used to chew on her hair. That is probably the most disgusting thing a kid could ever do. I'm scarred for life.

3- Clinton. All around its the name of Jackaces.

4- Grant. Again Jackace. He was rude to pretty much everybody, he thought he was popular, and he played baseball. Gay.

5- Kerri. This one is attributed to ScaryKerri. She was a couple years older than me, and I compare her to some barbie-GI Joe crossover with poor selfesteem and the personality of a chiuhauha.

6- Chantelle. I've never met anone(not including family) with this name that I have ever liked. She was a neighbour kis across the alley for a large chunk of my childhood. Jerk. She and her sisters would come jump on our trampoline when we weren't there, and then they'd run off when we got home, and they'd yell crude things over the fence.

7- Grace. Ew.

There are more, I just can't think of them right now, i'm sure there will be a next installment.

Monday, March 15, 2010

So, after work today Becky and I were standing in our parking lot, discussing how I could not live without her, how she is my salvation, how I would have gone crazy long ago were it not for her, how what gets me through the week is knowing that Monday will come again, and I will see her...
soooo we were out back chattin away, and there was this guy and this little kid, who could not have been more than 6 across the street. We watched them for a little bit, and they started pushin their jeep. Both doors were open and they were pushing from the sides, the kid on the far side, the dad on the drivers side. I turn and am about to call out, see if they needed help. As i'm thinking this Becky says "What if the little boy gets run over?" As those words come out of her mouth we see the little kids feet stumble a little bit and he trips and there is a scream of pain.(This all happened within one second) I'm a little shocked and not sure what to do, the dad runs around the vehicle and yells "For F*** sake!!!" At the moment I thought it sounded like an angry exclaimation, (and it did. In my world, that word shouldn't be used, especially at a 6 year old)and then for a split second this is the thought that crossed my mind- [I swear, if that man is angry at his kid for getting his foot run over, im going to walk around to my trunk, grab my ax and relieve him of his...] I mean, it wasn't the kids fault. Anyway, that thought slowly went way when I saw that he was actually concerned for his child. A couple of guys had rushed over to help and one guy ran and got some ice. They didn't think it was broken, but if the guy had any sense, he would take him to the hospital... The kid stopped crying and they drove off. I felt kind of bad that I didn't try and help. Usually im all over that, but for some reason I just stood there. Weird. Anyway...that's really about all I have to say.


So, my brother(Jarett), his girlfriend(Stefanie), my sister(Annalise) and I were all craving KD(Kraft Dinner, aka Mac and Cheese). We were all at my parents house, and usually they keep a pretty good supply on hand, what with their whole food storage thing. Alas, ther was none. Now, we really wanted some, so I volunteered to run home and grab some from my kitchen. A short while later, I return with KD in hand! Triumph. I give it to Stef, and she starts cookin it up. I return to my couch where i had been all afternoon to await my KD. Another short while later, Stef calls it s ready. Joy. I walk over to the stove look at the KD... it has kind of a brownish tinge to it. I hesitate. Usually KD is neon orange. Something was wrong. I didn't care. Scooped myself a bowl and sat down with Jarett and Stef. Stef brought it up first..."So, the cheese was a litle brown...I don't know why." I suggested maybe it had to do with the old pot we used. She said the powder was the same color. After a few more minutes of discussing the color of the cheese, and how it tasted fine, I ask, "Is there an expiration date on the box?" Previously I had thought KD never went bad, and therefore should have had an expiration date with the infinity symbol. After searching the box, we found one. It was not the infintity symbol. The expiration date read 'December 18, 2008' ...awkward... Annalise finally joins us, looks at the KD and asks "Are these multi-grain noodles?" We answer "nope, eat some and we'll tell you." She grabbed a bowl and started eating. We showed her the box. We all laughed for a bit, and then we continued eating it. It tasted fine.

After we were done, Jarett made the comment "Hey, your shirt is the same color as the KD. Thats awesome. Your shirt is 'Expired Kraft Dinner color.' Thats how im going to refer to that shirt from now on!!"

I don't plan on wearing that shirt in the near future.

Also, the Kraft dinner was fine, no one is sick, so I maintain that it does not have an expiry. As long as you don't mind eating greyish brown macaroni.(Cause eventually, thats the color the cheese will turn, im certain.)

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Bednar Beats Billy

Seven months ago, there was a concert announced. Billy Talent, Alexisonfire, Against Me, Cancer Bats. Six months ago I bought tickets for said concert. Two months ago there were rumours spread of a General Authority coming to Lethbridge. Three weeks ago it is announced that Elder David A. Bednar, of the Quorum of the 12 is going to have a YSA fireside. Ten days ago, I figure out that they are at the same day, same time, in the same city, on the same block. Crap.

Pickle? Yes. I had a decision to make. And the worst of it was, the decision was totally obvious. But still, I procrastinated, weighed out the pros and cons, tried to rationalize... I had already bought the tickets, or I could do both... They were right next to each other, the concert would run longer than the fireside so I could hit the fireside and the last half of the concert(who cares about Cabcer Bats and Against Me anyway?)

I came to the conclusion last night. I will devote myself to the fireside. I found someone to buy my ticket and it was settled. And this I will say- Great Life Choice. Elder Bednar is Fantastic. The entire fireside was a Q&A. Amazing. That man is inspired, Pres. Monson is the Prophet and this is THE TRUE CHURCH. I was happy with my decision cause after the fireside ended, the spirit was still so strong and in my heart I knew that even if I still had the ticket, I probably wouldn't go. I knew the it would drive the spirit away. Not that its bad music, just that the atmosphere and the drinking and ...other stuff... is not so spiritually uplifting. Its kind of sad that it took me so long to make a decision like this, when the answer is clearly infront of me. That's something I need to work on. I will be better.

I know that what I got out of tonight was the best thing for me. The things I took from the fireside and Elder Bednar far outweighed anything I could have possibly gained from going to rock out. Elder Bednar-1 Billy Talent-0.

Saturday, March 13, 2010


I came home today to my roommates having craft time. They were all sitting at the table, coloring/drawing pictures. It was kind of cute. Apparently they had been doing that for quite some time, because there were numerous drawings all over the house. I thought it was adorable. Odd, but adorable. I then went up to my room, and taped to the side of my dresser is this...


If you can't read it it say this:

"Alaya The Warrior Mermaid"
"Sexy and Dangerous"
"Foxy and a little Fishy"
"Fish an water mammals swim in fear because of Alaya"
And yes, thats a bow, a knife and a couple of dead fish.
It made me smile that me roommates know me so well.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Brilliant, Entertaining....Unfinished

I love this guy. Well...THESE guys, 'Cooper' -amazing singing, and 'Nate' reminds me of Dean off supernatural. Mmmmm...Dean... delicious.
Also. I think its hilarious.

Ps. I hate series that don't get finished... Chirs Heimerdinger, i'm coming for you next... its been half a decade!! What? Did you DIE??

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Double Feature

So, because im new to this whole blogging thing, I was under the impression that blogging twice in the same day was an indication of ...i don't know...some mild symptoms of addiction, or something like that. But apparently, my bloginstincts are a little off, as is evidenced by Melissa Lowry's two blogs today. As it goes, I do not have the time/energy to create two posts, I give you THE DOUBLE FEATURE. First up 'Mailing Body Parts', Followed by 'Wetting my Pants' Please, enjoy the show.

Mailing Body Parts

I work in a dental office, as you all should know. Long story short(you want to get to the good parts) Melissa is taking dentistry in B-town, and she needs "practice teeth". Now, my office is gynormous. And Dr. Paul is very good at yanking people's teeth outta their faces. They usually come out nice, and whole, and he pulls quite the number each day. For the two months Melissa was up here, we collected teeth. She mentioned once or twice the fact that she needed LOTS of teeth, so i suggested that I continue to collect teeth and mail them to her. We both saw the major flaw in this- Are you allowed to mail body parts? ...The answer to that question(as it stands right now) is no, and yes.

A few weeks went by, and I wanted to see if all my efforts collecting teeth would be for naught... I cleaned the teeth(Don't worry, they are CLEAN... that IS my job) and packaged them up and took myself down to the post office. I got to the counter, and started a very casual conversation, then I asked for one of those lists of things you aren't supposed to send in the mail, she obliged. I looked it over, and not finding anything about body parts, I decided I'd ask.

"If one wanted to send a body part through the mail..."
"What if its just bone?"
"No human body parts."
"Animal teeth?"
"No Body Parts"
"Even if they've been properly sterilized and pose no health risk?"

Apparently she wasn't having a very good day. She pointed out a toll free number on the No-mail list she gave me, told me if I had any more questions I could call.

I walked out to my car, feeling a little dejected. I looked at the number and thought, why not? I called the number. Then I got sick of pushing buttons trying to get a real person and I gave up. Next stop? Purolator...I got right down to business
"What's your policy on mailing human body parts?"
"Its frowned upon" (This kid was a smart alec.)
"You aren't even going to ask what kind of parts?"
"I don't think I want to know"
"Its just teeth. Do you think I could mail teeth?"

I was beginning to hate that word. Now, i'm not one to be beaten, and if i have to lie and cheat, I will win. Last stop UPS. I decided I needed a different angle, obviously no one was going to let me mail teeth... I waited till 5 minutes before close so they don't really care, and just want to get you out. I said I was sending Practice tooth models... for educational purposes... True..ish. She gave me a funny look, but went along with it. Awesome. Victory is MINE!! Until someone in customs x-rays it and decides they are real and that im a serial killer, and hauls me off to jail... Well...We'll see how that goes... They are JUST TEETH. Come now people.

Wetting My Pants

As you know I work in a Dental Office, I do the sterilization. Its good times for the most part. Our sterilizers need to be manually filled with distilled water. We don't own a machine to Distill water so we get it shipped to us. It comes in these 5 gallon jugs, just like water cooler water. So, today, I went to the back, grabbed a jug and started off with it. Its not until after I rounded the corner and was half way down the hall that I realized that the bottle did not just have condensation on it, it had a little itty-bitty crack in it. The very second I realized this, the stress of me holding the bottle made the crack bigger. Awesome. Water started pouring out, I quickly tried to flip it up so water would stop, but those things are heavy, and slippery when wet. I struggled with it for a few seconds, but thats all it took, I was fairly drenched from about the waist down. It looked like I'd peed my pants. And we're not talking a little bit, we're talkin I just downed a super-big gulp at 7/11 and I just let loose in my pants. This happened at about 4pm. I only work till 5ish. It wasn't enough time to go home and change, and I couldn't just leave for the day, I had stuff to get done. Ah the joys of my job. Actually it was really funny. I swear, I walk around that place lookin like I messed my pants more often than not. Ok...that an exaggeration. But everything seems to be at just the right height to spray me, or spill on me... effing air/waters/...

There you have it. My double feature. Hope you enjoyed yourself, please keep comin back cause its only gonna get better.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Im holding dream-you accountable...

For all those that read this, I demand you start keeping a better eye on what the dream version of you does... 'Cause I'm gonna hold you accountable. I mean sometimes, you have some good ideas; but there are times...

Dream scenario: So im just chilling, and a couple of my roomies come up to me and start talkin to me about McDonalds. And Kathryn turns to me and says "You know what's so good? You get a double 1/4lb and a McChicken, and you take the double, open it up, stick the mcchicken inbetween the two 1\4lb patties...So good." The rest of the dream really doesn't matter, crazy stuff happened, point is, I never got one...

So, I had the afternoon off. I got bored...on my way home, I drive past a few McD's... I thought to myself what the heck?! Why not... See if Dream-Kathryn was tellin the truth.

As i'm telling you this, I can't believe I did it...The first bite was actually really good. It had it all... I had to dislocate my jaw to get it in my mouth though...

a few more bites, and I could feel my arteries closing up...half way through it, im pretty sure I had a mini-heart attack...

It took me 20 minutes to finish, and I felt like death afterwards... needless to say...Im going to have strong words with Kathryn about what she allows her dream-self to suggest to me...

Monday, March 1, 2010

I love what you hate.

Do you ever find that when you love something, you love it more when someone else hates it? I've found that. I LOVE Christmas. Its March. Four and a half months ago, I decided to bust out the Christmas decorations. It was rememberance day and I didn't have another free weekend until the 19th of December. So it was early or late. I chose early. My roommate Kathryn did not approve of this. In fact, she really tried to fight me on this. Literally. I spent 2 hours wrestling with her. I beat her down and the decorations went up.

They survived for two months. And one day, I came home and most of it was packed up, without notifying me. This was unacceptable. So, i've tried my best to keep what was left up...

The garland up the stairs...Its totally get-away-withable. Its mostly green, and I don't turn the lights on...often...

The snowman, is just a snowman. You barely notice the "Merry Christmas". And its small. I'm not ever sure people know its there.

The Nativity can legitimately be up ALL year. We should be thinking of Christ always. Its just a little reminder. Right?

The bells, you really only notice them when you open and close the door.

The wreath too.

This however.... getting more and more difficult to make excuses for.