Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Double Feature

So, because im new to this whole blogging thing, I was under the impression that blogging twice in the same day was an indication of ...i don't know...some mild symptoms of addiction, or something like that. But apparently, my bloginstincts are a little off, as is evidenced by Melissa Lowry's two blogs today. As it goes, I do not have the time/energy to create two posts, I give you THE DOUBLE FEATURE. First up 'Mailing Body Parts', Followed by 'Wetting my Pants' Please, enjoy the show.

Mailing Body Parts

I work in a dental office, as you all should know. Long story short(you want to get to the good parts) Melissa is taking dentistry in B-town, and she needs "practice teeth". Now, my office is gynormous. And Dr. Paul is very good at yanking people's teeth outta their faces. They usually come out nice, and whole, and he pulls quite the number each day. For the two months Melissa was up here, we collected teeth. She mentioned once or twice the fact that she needed LOTS of teeth, so i suggested that I continue to collect teeth and mail them to her. We both saw the major flaw in this- Are you allowed to mail body parts? ...The answer to that question(as it stands right now) is no, and yes.

A few weeks went by, and I wanted to see if all my efforts collecting teeth would be for naught... I cleaned the teeth(Don't worry, they are CLEAN... that IS my job) and packaged them up and took myself down to the post office. I got to the counter, and started a very casual conversation, then I asked for one of those lists of things you aren't supposed to send in the mail, she obliged. I looked it over, and not finding anything about body parts, I decided I'd ask.

"If one wanted to send a body part through the mail..."
"What if its just bone?"
"No human body parts."
"Animal teeth?"
"No Body Parts"
"Even if they've been properly sterilized and pose no health risk?"

Apparently she wasn't having a very good day. She pointed out a toll free number on the No-mail list she gave me, told me if I had any more questions I could call.

I walked out to my car, feeling a little dejected. I looked at the number and thought, why not? I called the number. Then I got sick of pushing buttons trying to get a real person and I gave up. Next stop? Purolator...I got right down to business
"What's your policy on mailing human body parts?"
"Its frowned upon" (This kid was a smart alec.)
"You aren't even going to ask what kind of parts?"
"I don't think I want to know"
"Its just teeth. Do you think I could mail teeth?"

I was beginning to hate that word. Now, i'm not one to be beaten, and if i have to lie and cheat, I will win. Last stop UPS. I decided I needed a different angle, obviously no one was going to let me mail teeth... I waited till 5 minutes before close so they don't really care, and just want to get you out. I said I was sending Practice tooth models... for educational purposes... True..ish. She gave me a funny look, but went along with it. Awesome. Victory is MINE!! Until someone in customs x-rays it and decides they are real and that im a serial killer, and hauls me off to jail... Well...We'll see how that goes... They are JUST TEETH. Come now people.

Wetting My Pants

As you know I work in a Dental Office, I do the sterilization. Its good times for the most part. Our sterilizers need to be manually filled with distilled water. We don't own a machine to Distill water so we get it shipped to us. It comes in these 5 gallon jugs, just like water cooler water. So, today, I went to the back, grabbed a jug and started off with it. Its not until after I rounded the corner and was half way down the hall that I realized that the bottle did not just have condensation on it, it had a little itty-bitty crack in it. The very second I realized this, the stress of me holding the bottle made the crack bigger. Awesome. Water started pouring out, I quickly tried to flip it up so water would stop, but those things are heavy, and slippery when wet. I struggled with it for a few seconds, but thats all it took, I was fairly drenched from about the waist down. It looked like I'd peed my pants. And we're not talking a little bit, we're talkin I just downed a super-big gulp at 7/11 and I just let loose in my pants. This happened at about 4pm. I only work till 5ish. It wasn't enough time to go home and change, and I couldn't just leave for the day, I had stuff to get done. Ah the joys of my job. Actually it was really funny. I swear, I walk around that place lookin like I messed my pants more often than not. Ok...that an exaggeration. But everything seems to be at just the right height to spray me, or spill on me... effing air/waters/...

There you have it. My double feature. Hope you enjoyed yourself, please keep comin back cause its only gonna get better.


  1. bahahaha.

    "If one wanted to send a body part through the mail..."
    "Even if they've been properly sterilized and pose no health risk?"
    "What's your policy on mailing human body parts?"

    I absolutely love the double feature. Well done. You belong in the blogging world.

  2. It was epic, I only wish people were there to witness these conversations...

    And Thankyou. I love being told I belong.

  3. BAHAHHAHAH... Yup... reading them was just as good as hearing about them. Odd thing though. I took my creepy jar full of teeth through airport security. Through the x-ray machine and everything. It didnt even phase them in the slightest. If airport security can handle it I see no reason why the post office cant.

    And as for the double post. I do what I want. (you can start to be worried if I start triple posting).

    And I agree with Bonnie. You most definitely belong.