Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The Jerry Saga

Please prepare yourself for the longest post you've ever read. This is the story of Alaya and ...we'll call him Jerry. The true, uncut, barely edited story. And I feel free to write it as such for three reason. #1- Odds that Jerry will ever find this blog- Slim, #2- Odds that if he ever finds this blog, he will realize its about him- not good, #3- If by some miracle, he finds it AND figures out that its about him, its all true, so... he can deal with it.

So here it goes. I'll go quick. I met Jerry last summer at an FHE, we had a few mutual friends and i sorta talked to him. He seems nice enough, reasonably attractive. I wanted to get to know him better. Being the stealth-huntress that i am, I bust out some stalking... facebook and otherwise... I went to a few 'gatherings' where i knew he would be, I showed up looking stellar, played it cool. You know how its done. But each time, something horrible would happen. IE: He would show up with another girl, or he would leave early or...the last guy you made out with/kicked out of your house decideds its a good idea to sit right next to you on the couch...
This sort of thing happened for the next month and a bit.

I knew if this was going to progress at the rate i wanted it to, i'd have to step up my game, and Lady Luck finally looked my way. I decided to go to calgary with a friend to see Steven R. Covey give a fireside, and whilst sitting in a pew, casually glancing over my shoulder, I spot him. Apparently Jerry had come up with a few friends for the same fireside. Bonus: The girls i was with, was very good friends with Jerry. The fireside ended and people began conversing, Jerry came by and i suggested we all go to Peters. They accepted. We made our way outside, and stood talking around the vehicles. Thats when it happened. I spotted an enormous jack-rabbit at the edge of the parking lot, and my love for chasing small wodland creatures took over... a took a few steps cautiously toward it, and whispered under my breathe ''here bunny, bunny.'' I had scarcely done so when I came to my senses, Jery was right behind me, what would he think? I stopped. Then Jerry came up behind me and softly whispered in my ear "Hey....wanna chase that bunny?" I turned, a little unsure. I looked at his face, and it was sincere. I nodded, and we both took off towards the small fuzzy thing, we chased it up a hill, we split up, calling directions to each other, it was love. ....but alas...the rabbit escaped. Curses. (And thats about as romantic as our relationship ever got...)

So we went to Peter's had a milkshake, I got his number, and we texted the entire 2 hours home.
About a month passed, there was a few texts, but nothing really ever came of it. Untill i heard that Richard G. Scott was giving a fireside in Calgary. (ps. stupid calgary, they get everyone(Bonnie...)pft.) So I called him up, and I asked him if he planned on going, he said he wanted to, but didn't have a ride, so i said, he could come with me, Yay! ....Turns out i had to work later than anticipated, so we didn't make it up there, so plan B. I took him out to the U of L basketball games, and then we went out for Chinese food. We spent the entire time just chatting away, pretty much i learned his entire life story that first night. And we talked about our childhood, and favorite things, scars, sports(which he didn't really care for...why are we at a basketball game?). The sports thing was kind of a flag, but overall I felt like it went really well. I dropped him off, we hugged goodbye.

He didn't call, or text me for weeks. I commented on his facebook crap sometimes and he'd respond back, and we saw each other a few times at some parties and stuff. Hmmm...playing hard to get.

So, my birthday rolls around, and i never really make a big deal about it, plus the ward christmas party was the same night, so i didn't really have anything planned. Early afternoon, my phone rings, i see its him calling, I answer. He doesn't say a word, he just starts singing Happy Birthday. Points for guts. And it was totally cute. He asked me what i was doing that night, i said nothing, and he replied, well that just won't do. We'll watch a movie....but i don't get off till 11. I'll call you. I agreed. So he came over that night, we watched a chick flick, he stayed until 4 in the morning. Another good night, except for the fact that i slept through the movie. But i chose to fall asleep on the arm of the couch, instead of the arm of the boy...oh well.

So Christmas came and went, and we both got really busy. We ended up playing Quelf one night, and we were cursed to hold hands for a few turns...convenient? Yes. So I made cheeky comments about holding hands throughout the game. He later asked me out to see Avatar.

Avatar date night- He comes over, playes video games with me for a bit, we go to the the movie, we start having 'first date conversation' again.....Red don't remember anything? He asked me how soccer is.... I'm like ...'Rugby? Hasn't started yet...' He then asked me where i worked, and what i did. ....Im pretty sure i've told you this.....twice... I found it kind of funny, cause the whole time that i was pursuing this, people kept telling me how smart he was... LIARS. Moron. And I will NOT chalk it up to nervousness. He genuinely didn't not remember. It was at this point that i started to really analyze this kid. He loves video games much too much. He keeps asking my opinion on Anime. And bringing up the fact that he has ADHD. ....Super. So we watched the movie, evjoyed it, he tok me home, and i guess assumed he was coming in... My bad, I didn't stop him. I made a point to find the good, so we sat and talked, until i kicked him out of my house.

He asked me out again, Archery this time. NICE! I own my own bow. This gives me a chance to size up his survival skills. (Survival, hunting, outside skills=a must) So, we went into it, we designated 11 competition rounds, loser pays for dinner. I'll give him props, he won 3 rounds. Good for him. But this is how the date went- We got to the lane, there were 3 other guys shooting on the range, we shot for a bit, I asked him if he wanted to try my bow (my bow has a heavy pull...i was testing him... muahaha) he said sure. First shot he shot goes off and sticks in the wood seperating the embarassing.... so we all walk down to retrieve our arrows, and he starts yanking on the arrow, and he can't get it out of the wood. The other guys on the range walk over and they are like, you may have to leave the tip in there, so Jerry unscrews the arrow, and then the other guy whips out his multi-tool and hands it to Jerry, and he tries to use it....and its like giving a penguin a gun... you know he hasn't a clue how to use it, and it aint going to help him any... so we leave it, and continue shooting, and just because i was judgmental, there was this dog on the range, that came up behind me, scared me, and my arrow goes off and sticks in the wood between the lanes...awkward, so we walk down, I grab my arrow, Yank it out of the wood. And all the guys on the range were like "OOh! Dude. You shoulda had her get your arrow out!..." ...Sorry Jerry. Embarassing for you.... So he lost the competition, and therefore owed me dinner, we went to Moxies. We got brucchetta. And there was one slice of bread left, and a whole lot of brucchetta, so I tell him he has to pile all that on the little piece of bread. Everntually he does so, and then he says 'now you have to eat it' ....Fair enough. So I ate it right out of his hand, it was kind of romantic. Anyway, he had to go to the church for some bishop-stuff(he's the exec.sec.) and he asked me to come along cause he usually just ends up playing the piano. So we go, and we end up playing the piano. He is amazing at it... We were sitting together on the little bench, the lights were down we were alone. My thoughts? "I practically made out with your hand....make out with my face." No luck. I left.

Costco date. I had to go get some stuff, he tagged along. It was fun. Costco is always fun. Then we went to Quiznos. End of the date rolls around, we hug. Im not satisfied with this hug. For real, either do something, or stop asking me out....This has gone on FAR too long. So we hug. I don't let him go, we are standing there, arms around each other, faces mere inches from each other. Nothing. I quit.

I complained to Melissa, because this is what i've taken to doing. I enjoy her listening, and her help. She jokingly asked for Jerry's number so she could straighten the poor boy out. ....I gave it to her....She texted him. If you wish to hear that textersation, please, just ask. Its a good one. but the point of it was this -DO SOMETHING.

(Thoughts from now on will be Italicized)
So he asked me out again a few days later. A movie. His House. GOOD. So we are watching this movie, sort of leaning into each other, then he decides its a good idea to put his head on my shoulder and cuddle up to me...what is this? Are you the I actually the man in this? Why are you cuddling up to me? Holy role reversal.... so i start fitgeting. And he asks if im uncomfortable, I say yes, and we switch up positions, and all of a sudden im in some sort of headlock, with his arm pretty much on my face. Are we wrestling? Do you want to? I'll kick your trash. Why am i eating your arm? Are we just getting closer...I make out with you hand, then your we hit shoulder before the face? Again, I move. I sit up. He takes this movement as an opportunity to cuddling into me again....hmm....then he ASKS if he can hold my hand. If you have to ask the answer is no. I then give him my hand. He grabs it with his sweaty, limp hand. I'm holding a fish. A dead fish... A hot dead fish. I lossen up his grip and begin tracing my fingers up and down his my fingers curl to the base of his palm, he closes his hand over top of mine. He's holding my fist....WTF. What do i do? He lets go, I continue, maybe it was just a freak accident. Nope. He did it again. $#!%, Useless boy... Movie ends and i pretty much ran out of there.

A few days later he sends me this text:

Hey, I need to talk to you, can we meet up?

Halleluijah! He gets it. Its over. Thats the international we are breaking up text. Yes!

We set a time and place... and then he sends me this:

Great, I can't wait to see you.


So we meet up, he's late, were sitting at DQ. I decided that i was going to let him spearhead this talk... it was his idea after all. ...And hour later, after talking yo-yos, and movies, and books, and useless crap...

J- So, should we skedaddle?

A- No, no, no, no, no,no. When you texted me, you said you NEEDED to talk to me, and so far, we haven't really talked about anything.

He then proceeded to pour out his heart to me, and asked me if I would be his girlfriend, and I sat there, and was like, whoa buddie mixed signals. First of all NO. I thought that was obvious and I'll tell you why.... I crushed his little heart, I told him he was utterly useless, and a moron. He admitted that he could never make me happy, but he'd try. I agreed, but it just would never be good enough and he cried once or twice. I didn't know what to do, so I slapped him upside the head, told him to get over it and left him there in a sad pile of tears and melted ice-cream.

.....Just kidding.

Reality= He used the line, 'I think you are an amazing girl' I then beat him to the punch "Lets be friends." He agreed. He said he wasn't really in a place in his life where we felt like he could commit to something (funny, last guy that said that to me was engaged within a couple of months...) And for real he said he knew he couldn't make me happy. True. I kinda felt bad. I then gave him a hand-holding lesson. So, now were friends. And not just Proximity Friends. Real friends, we're going horseback riding in a few weeks.

2306 words.... Sorry....2308.


  1. stealth-huntress... Bahahahha... love for chasing small wodland creatures... I practically made out with your hand....make out with my face.... Bahahah... these are my favorite lines. Besides hot dead fish of course.

    And the fake ending. I REALLY liked the fake ending.

    Also can you veto the word verification... It makes me want to hulk out. Pretty please? (Big cheesey smile)

  2. I'm commenting in pieces. I love how you describe the closest thing to love involved chasing a bunny. And I got a shout out. Yes! I am no longer outraged.

  3. I fee like I'm a penguin with a gun when I'm at work. And you own your own bow? H-core.

  4. Alaya! I just finished. This post was too good. Why has it taken you this long to join the blogging sphere? My favourite part is still the hot dead fish. Love it.

  5. oh honey ... words can not describe how much I want to tear that piece of crap that wasted ... yes ... wasted so much of your time! (I'm sure Miss could say something that I'd agree to in true Lowry fashion so i'll leave it at that!!!) I guess it's a good thing that are a smart chica with her head screwed on straight!!! ♥ from Van!