Honesty.

Do not mistake this post for anything other than what it is. It is a post of pure honest feelings right now. I'm not looking for someone to fix me. I'm not fishing for anything, I don't want compliments, or encouragement, or anything of the sort. I just want to express something. Something of the moment. I know the feeling in its entirety wont last, but this isn't a new feelings, and I know it will never go away...

I'm not sure which defined emotion to label it just yet, but it sits somewhere between frustration and failure, in its simplest forms. With a little twinge of disappointment.

Its funny, cause I have exactly what I wanted, and I foresaw the possibility of actually getting it, but I neglected to properly prepare for it, and am now paying the price of my lack of forethought.

I am coaching rugby at Chinook High. Which is awesome. And I love it, however, there are moments of frustration. Now, i've coached a few years, and there are the usual frustrations- none of which were ever anything to think twice about, but these frustrations are 10x what those were because I look, and I see how it could be better... I know its our first year, and we are still working out the kinks... but ugh!

Firstly, its weird not being in complete control all the time. Everything I do or think I run by Missy. Its also weird coaching with people you've never played with/met until two weeks ago. Its good. Don't get me wrong, its nice to have different perspectives/drills/experience, it will make our team more well rounded. Still, I have to check everything I do, and explain drills to them first and visa versa and we have different names for A LOT of things... And I don't want to change.

Secondly, as of right now- time management sucks. SO much of our practice is being wasted, and we never get through what we plan for a day. It bothers me because I'm in love with efficiency. This, I talked to Missy about and we are going to fix-ish. Also, it bothers me that most of the time, we plan practice right before practice starts. Would it kill us to sit down and discuss a few days in advance? There are meetings, and classes, and marking, and everything, and I don't like that the 3 of us coaching have not had anytime to discuss how to run things...

Thirdly, there are 3 of us. For JV and SV. Its really hard coaching two teams at the same time, and I feel like the JVs are learning at a phenomenal rate, but they are still holding the seniors back... Its been 4.5 weeks of practices, and I think today I got everyone's names figured out... Maybe.

Lastly, and probably most importantly- Last year I took a little hiatus from rugby. And now that im back into it, I feel like i've lost something. Like im not as good of a coach. Also, im probably in the worst shape of my life.

Its really disheartening cause these girls are great, and I feel like they need more attention, and I can't do that when i'm trying to look after 40 girls. Not to mention the amount of injuries we have thus far. So many girls with shin splints, and girls who get sick, a lot... I don't remember having so many invalids when I played...

All I really want is an hour with Kendra and Missy. Just to work things out. I was hoping to get it on Friday, but Kendra can't make it.

I tried to teach scrums to girls with little to no experience in about 25 minutes. Which would've been adequate, if I wasn't trying to teach 20 girls at the same time...Frustration. But not with them. With myself. It seems like a thing that old me could've done. And I failed. So now im just a frustrated failure.