Coulda, Woulda... Shoulda?

TODAY.

The plan for the day was supposed to be this(had last week not happened)... It was going to be the most epic triple date ever. It was going to be myself and Dallas, KT and Dan, and Corrine and Brad. We were going to go to Waterton, go up to the second camp kitchen, which is where I would showcase my Snow White skills, roast some smokies, have a little lunch, snowshoe to the Lake, play around in the snow, snowshoe back, go to the camp kitchen by the lake, the one with the huge stone fireplaces, build a roarin fire, make smores and ho-cho. By this time it would be dark, and we could go flop in the snow outside and star gaze. THE. PERFECT. DATE. AAAAAAnd it was gorgeous today, it got up to -7, the skies were clear, there wasn't a breath of wind... Shoot me now, for perfection is past. Had last week not happened, this was the moment that I would get him to kiss me. Impress him with my Snow White skills, be all cute and playful in the snow, sit by a romantic fire, star gazing!! At one point or another it would've happened.

BUUUUUUUT NOOOOOOO! Stupid last week had to happen. We had what I thought was the no-kissing talk, Dan and KT broke up, and I found out Brad was on call. So we had to reschedule the date, and i'm not going to kiss him. Great.

I ended up going to see Burlesque with Maggie and KT, I did some Christmas shopping and played in the snow with Corrine. That was my day.

NOW. At around 10:30 Dallas texts me, we end up going to BP's with Dan and Dan's mom. I got the nachos. Loaded. Awesome. It was fun. He may or may not have said he loved me... he said in it a black accent, in a joking kind of way, but its something we hnever joked about before, I've never even said the word when he has been around... He then proceeded to wipe my face with a wet nap. Twice. He thinks he's so funny. We were there until 1. I am driving Dallas home, we hold hands for a bit... I pull up to his house. I make (what now is see is) the mistake of pulling into the driveway. Dallas doesn't immediately get out of my car. He leans over for a hug. We car-hug. It lingers. Which is fine. I pull away and he keeps his hand on my back. OH NO. It all of a sudden turns into a situation where I KNOW he wants to kiss me. Gragh! NO. We continue talking for a while. Probably about 3 minutes passes, his hand still on my back. Then he pulls the little motion with his hand, urging me closer. I get the message. I resist. I get really nervous. He tries to make eye contact, I avoid it with everything I can muster. Its sooo hard. I tell him to go to bed, I change the subject, I do everything in my power to avoid it. He takes his hand down, and just when I think i'm in the clear, it goes right back. Im screwedImscrewedImscrewed....I want to kiss him. SO BAD. Not in my car outside Neals house, not while I have to pee like a racehorse, not right after I ate a hefty plate of nachos! I have nacho breath! The mint has done nothing! I'm sure I have some of it in my teeth still! I thought he didn't want to kiss me! Why is he trying to kiss me????!!!?!?!?!

Worst thing ever? You know what I did? His hand on my back, he has his eyes closed like he's pretending to sleep, cause I told him to go to bed... I reached across him to the passenger door, and opened his door for him... It was something I learned/joked about in high school/seminary. He got out of my car, and he went to bed.

I Lauren Coopered him.

Now I feel like a moron... or a tool... I feel bad, cause he probably feels rejected. And its not like I don't want to kiss him. I do. I REALLY REALLY do... but...
I don't know. He is going on a mission. He doesn't need this right now. It would take our relationship to a whole new level. And I want to, but I don't and I can't, but I would. But ARGH!

I talked to Britt yesterday about how I wanted to kiss him, but I sort of had the same conversation with Dan... I'm pretty sure one or both said something to Dallas, probably just Dan...

The stupid thing is I was planning to kiss him today anyway.

And now we are going to have to talk about it. I HATE talking about it. I want to kiss him. But would that just make it harder? I want to know what he's thinking! The one thing I hope is that he doesn't think I didn't know what was going on, that i'd missed his signs, his attempts... Cause I noticed, I know. It was obvious what was happening...It just wasn't going to. Am I a jerk? Should I have just kissed him?

...Would it have killed him to try and time it better? Or pick a better place? Cause in my car at Neals while I have jalapeno breath is not a great choice. I know it shouldn't matter where... but I think first kisses are important. Well its not even that I think that, its just been ingrained into me. Would it kill him to take to a spot? Somewhere that we could have as our spot? Can it have a story? Can it be epic? I'm hopeless.