Lost in Thoughts

I had some time today. A lot of time. Pretty much the entire day. Ok it WAS the entire day. And for a solid amount of it, I did nothing. Spent some time with my thoughts. Got lost in them, and it was scary. I almost didn't make it out alive.

I had a myriad of things that I could've done. I chose to do nothing. It's a choice I've been making a lot lately. I think there is something wrong with me. I lack all motivation. I don't know if its the winter that is getting to me, or if its just the monotony that has become my life finally making me crack. More likely its the latter.

I chose to play video games for about an hour, then I popped in season 3 of Veronica Mars. Four hours later I go out and shovel part of the walk. It boarders on the futile though, cause under that snow is a thick ridiculous ice. I spent about half an hour hacking away at it with the ice chipper thing but gave up, my fingers started to cramp.

My household is a little weird. I have 4 roommates now, as opposed to the 7 there were last semester, and I never see any of them. I know they are there cause they leave messes, but that's the only indication that they were ever there. I occasionally hear a door open or close, but then again that may just be my imagination. Jocelyn is kind of an exception to this. She doesn't leave messes, but I see her and that's how I know.

There used to be parties every weekend, and an after party to every party, but now... I don't even know what goes on half the time. Mostly I don't care cause the city is overrun by 18 year olds. I'm getting old. It shouldn't bother me, but it does. And its not so much just the age thing, but the fact that my best friends and my siblings are moving on with their lives, but I'm still exactly where I was (more or less) 4 years ago. And the thought keeps crossing my mind that I will have to wait longer. By the time that I start I won't even be able to see you in the distance.

It's days like this. It all just seems too much, so instead of doing something about it, I chose to curl up in my little ball, fall asleep and hope that when I wake up, everything is as it should be. It's not. Ever.